Astro-Survival Strategies

Folks, I don’t need to tell you that we’re living in precarious times.  That’s right.  Mercury is in retrograde.  Planes are falling from the skies, computers are crashing, and my ex just won’t return my late-night text messages.  Clearly, the planets are conspiring against us.

But Mercury is only one planet.  Read on to find out how other celestial bodies are trying to fuck up your life.

Saturn is in the π house- Hold on to your horses, because Saturn is in the house of a never-ending, non-repeating decimal.  If you don’t have horses, you should be fine.

Virgo ascending- Virgo, as we all know, is the virgin.  So when she’s ascending, everyone magically gets their virginity back.  Go crazy.  Live a little.  Put on a ball gag and dress up like a over-large baby.  For the next month, you’re as pure as the fresh-driven snow, no matter what kind of freaky stuff you do.

Mars is in a deep depression- Why won’t you just take a moment out of your life to think about someone else, you insufferable jerk?  Mars is having a really tough time right now, and you won’t even talk to them.  I guess your life is really fucking important.  Asshole.

Uranus expanding- People probably aren’t going to be as amused by your juvenile humor as you’d like.  Maybe think twice before making a dumbass Uranus joke.

Dawning of the Age of Aquarius- A bunch of hippies are about to– oh shit, it’s too late.  Yep, they’re all naked.  Well, that was worth the price of admission.

Orion is pissed off- Seriously, he’s got to be one of the most recognizable constellations, but he doesn’t get a month?  Whatever, losers.  He doesn’t need a month.  Even if fucking Cancer got one.

That little bright spot keeps getting brighter- Maybe it’s time to think about calling Bruce Willis.  Yeah, let me just– dammit, my phone doesn’t work because fucking Mercury is in retrograde.

Hopefully this has made everyone a little more aware of just how badly the universe is trying to fuck you up.  So remember, every time something bad happens, there’s no way it was your fault.  It’s just a bunch of planets and stars that have nothing better to do than fuck with humans.

Serious (Sirius) side note: Constellations are man-made, and Mercury doesn’t give a shit about your iPhone.  If you’re really interested in the universe, astronomy is far more interesting than astrology could ever be.  And Neil deGrasse Tyson will tell you all kinds of interesting things for free.